An Honest Review of the Office Coffee Machine

It has four buttons, none of them produce what they say on the label. A deep investigation.

The coffee machine in kitchen B has four buttons. The buttons are labelled: Espresso, Americano, Latte, and one that says Cappuccino but has been producing lukewarm beige water since at least Q3.

Methodology

Over a period of three weeks, this investigator sampled all four outputs at various times of day, under controlled conditions (i.e., desperate enough to try it).

Findings

Espresso — Correctly named. Very small. Aggressively bitter. Acceptable.

Americano — Tastes like the espresso was frightened by water. 3/10.

Latte — Milk-adjacent. Unclear what the brown part is. 2/10.

Cappuccino — We don't talk about the cappuccino button.

Conclusion

Bring your own coffee. Or move your desk closer to the kitchen on the third floor, which has a real machine, but that information is above your pay grade.

This review reflects the personal opinions of the author and does not constitute official company policy on beverages.